Junk in my trunk: A deep thought

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about my big butt. I'm talking about "junk" from the past.

Every Christmas and some random Valentine's day holidays Mom will buy me a dating/marital book. In high school it was "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and then "Boy Meets Girl." In college, it was "Captivating" and "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" I loved all those books. And now I guess since Josh and I are getting serious and the "M" word is coming up more lately, she has been buying me marriage books such as "How Do I Know You're the One?" and "Happily Ever After." Granted, the latter of the books are a little bit more intense than I like so I'm having to read them a little bit at a time considering Josh and I are not engaged or married yet.

The other night I did read the first chapter of "Happily Ever After." It was entitled, "Where You Come From: Family History." My first thought was, "Oh great. We both have WONDERFUL family histories" (in my most sarcastic tone).

Now I type the next little bit with a disclaimer: If you are part of mine or Josh's family-this is nothing against you. I love both families equally. Josh's family has done everything to make me feel like part of theirs. From Bev to dotting on me giving me manicures, to Mark being the "father figure" when mine stepped out a year ago, to his brothers embracing me in big hugs, to Victoria making me feel like a sister...and the list could go on.

It talked about how when you marry you are marrying the parents, the aunts and uncles, grandparents, and everyone else that comes along with the tote. When Josh marries me, he is marrying into 70 close family and friends--no lie. And I with him. And we both love each other's families, well I at least hope he loves mine. But our families are different and it's obvious. We're so similar at the same time. It's a blessing in disguise.

Bound to Repeat it: If you know me and my family, you know I am spitting image of my father and grandfather--inside and out. From the thick black hair, to the love to read and explore new land, to our silence and smart mouths when we're upset. I've always laughed about how similar I was to my dad and grandfather but Josh has pointed out to me in the last 2 years of our relationship that those qualities can be harmful to our relationship. I used to not open up about feelings. I would journal. Think about it. Pray about it. THEN I would come to you when I was ready to talk. Josh has taught me to be more open about things. Talk to him--COMMUNICATE, which is hard when I'm upset with him. Even Bev, Josh's mom, will ask questions point blank that just seems to open up a whole conversation flow. I hope I have qualities that he finds HELPFUl to our relationship. I wonder what those are?

And Josh has qualities that I struggle with that remind me so much of my dad, too (as much as I hate to say it). My dad was always tight with money. He didn't spend it unless it was something he wanted or if it was a Christmas gift. If I borrowed money and said I would have it back by some "x" date, on that date, he would be expecting his money back (which was good because it taught me money management and repsonsibility at a young age). Josh is like that. When he wants to spend, he'll spend. But when he doesn't, he puts the reigns on, and breaks down every penny in his checking account and make it sound like he's going to be homeless in the next 2 weeks. This drives me crazy. Do you know anyone like that? I'm not a big spender (I do have my weaknesses) but it is a reflection. but then Josh reminds me of his mom too. He has that tender side like Bev does. When he wants to be sweet and considerate (which he is most of the time), he is just like Bev.

Those qualities have so much with your past. And I don't think realize those things until you are married and living together. Toben Heim (the author) said,
One way or another, you'll discover all kinds of things about each other that stern from your past, your story. That is so true. I LOATHE vaccuming. Actually, I hate the vaccum cleaner that goes with it and the "response" from my mom when cleaning. Josh has soooo picked up on this. He'll make the comment, "Go ahead and vaccum but don't put it up because you'll have to redo it again. Then that will turn into a yelling match between you and your mom." Am I going to resent Josh when he tries to help me clean? Am I going to automatically burst when Josh points out something that I need to do because that's how I reacted to my mom?

At the end of the chapter it has questions that you can discuss with your significant other. Alot of those are the basics, "How many children do you plan to have?...How are you going to split up the chores in the house?...What are boundaries you need to set as a couple with your family?" The first question stood out to me: How has your family influenced your view of marriage? Bull's eye. Bingo. That one question I struggle with daily.

Josh's parents divorced when he was young. Both of them have remarried. While both families are very different, they show love to Josh is different ways. Bev and Mark choose to show it in verbal "discussions" about random weird things, cooked dinners, car parts, and other things. Josh's dad, Bruce, and stepmom, Karen, show it through a game of poker and lending us poker chips when our stack is getting low. Both very different set of parents but have shaped Josh so much. It has shaped his view of marriage too. We haven't talked a whole lot about marriage and how we view it. But comments have been made from him that make me go, "Hmmmm..." or "ahaa..."

Then I look at my parent's relationship. It's still a tender cut and it probably will be for a long time. I watched for almost 23 years my parents love and raise a family in a good home. I watched them make sacrifices and battle through some pretty nasty things, including my mom the most. When dad left last January, it was hard. I knew when he left, he was leaving for good and never coming back. He was done with this lifestyle that they had worked so hard on building. I watched my mom fight with every ounce in her body to have him back, then learn she needed to let him go and deal with the pain. This put up a big wall in my relationship with Josh. I often thought the first months of my parent's seperation, "If my own FATHER can leave me, betray my mom and family, and lie for God knows how long--the first man I ever loved--how do I know that Josh isn't going to the same to me?" I mean I was paranoid. I lost all trust in Josh, a guy that I had no reason to lose trust in because he has done nothing but be faithful to me. I would check Josh's facebook and myspace, look at the smallest details, and be shaking with nerves by the end of the night, on the phone with Lauren, Candice, or Meredith in tears. What had happened to me? Josh had done nothing. What is wrong with me? Thoughts kept going back to my dad and what he did. Gone was that relationship for a while--what about mine and Josh's?

Then Josh replied with, "I would never do that to you because I am not my father nor your father. I always said I would never grow up to be that kind of man."

And he's right. All in all, he is not like my father. Yes in some ways I do see some resemblance but I love him. I love my dad still...alot. And I yern for that relationship which has made me cling to Josh even more and his stepdad, which he has stepped up to that roll. The loves of my life...geez.

I think sometimes, "Ha. If Josh saw this coming, would he still be around?" Yeah he would be. I'm glad that we were together when things went haywire. Could you imagine me explaing all of this to someone who wasn't here from the beginning? "Hey, nice to meet you. By the way, before we get into this relationship, I have a love/hate relationship with my mom...my dad and I don't speak because he tarnished the image of marriage and trust and I can't forgive him. Are you willing to date me?"

Josh has seen all the good and bad. And I've seen some of his good and bad. Wow. If the first chapter of this book made me think and write this much, I can't imagine what the next chapter is going to be.

I told you my next blog was going to be a killer.

I will update...

Soon. The new year has been insane.

And I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head...just things reminding me of the previous year...

It's gonna be a killer when I do blog.

But for right now, here is what I'm currently doing INSTEAD of blogging...
-Applying to Grad School
-Finishing my "2 week unit" to give to Mr. B BY FRIDAY
-Being OBSERVED by ADEPT evaluators
-Starting my new financial plan "20-20-80." Ask if you're curious.
-Getting rid of fleas on Josie. Yeck.
-Filling out FAFSA. Who knew I would be doing THAT again?
-Planning my new few weekend trips.
-Gym every other day with a 5:30 AM walk 4 days a week
-Trying to figure out where my next flipchart is going to come from or be rather.

And oh yeah, trying to catch some sleep.

Is anyone else overwhelmed like me???