In the last decade I've seen myself transform from a high school kid to a collage graduate to a working woman with a car payment and student loans knocking at my door. It's almost bittersweet. Tonight I was talking with Mom about some pretty serious deep stuff. It was almost like our roles were reversed--I was playing mom and she was playing child. With her having to "start over" I was encouraging her to have confidence, put herself out there, and be the independent woman that I know. I told her, "Where do you think I learned my great qualities from?" Her response: "Not from your father." I will admit, I laughed. I never thought I would see my relationship with my mom change from what it used to be (menopausal time) to now (post menopausal). We've been thrown into a loop where what used to be a family of 3 (four when Jason would grace us with his presence) to a family of 2 (plus 2 dogs and Jason when he's up for causing drama). How do you continue on when you're not quite sure how? I put on a front like I'm ok--I have a goal to work and have a life. Then on days like this where I'm celebrating a birthday that used to be filled with a father that I once knew that would call me on my birthday at the exact same time I was born to "officially" congratulate me on being a year older. Do I expect him to call me on my birthday this year? No. Do I expect a text message? Probably. But to be honest, if he were to call I am not sure I would answer the phone. Lord knows I am grateful for the man that raised me to be who I am today, but I also so much grateful for my mom who raised me to the woman I am. I take for granted how hard my mother works, and yes she does drive me crazy at several times throughout my weeks. But she is just grabbing hold of the most stable family member she knows. At times though I wonder if I am stable enough for her.
I want things to be better. They told me "It's going to get ugly before it gets better." I've been plenty of ugly and I'm ready to see some beauty. I know I've grown stronger in the last 10 years, especially the last 3 years. I've seen myself grow up and move ahead of my life. I know the next 10 years are going to be dramatic, life changing, exciting, and encouraging. I'm unsure right now but I know at the end of the day I will be one more day closer to understanding it all.
Here's a toast to my family that has survived the drama, loved through the hardest times, found laughter when it was hard, cried for me, pushed me when I was tired, and stood behind every decision I made.
Here's a toast to my friends that listened to my rambling phone calls, sat with me through the tears, bought me cups of coffee and chocolate, made me buy fun underwear to make me feel better, kidnap me for random road trips, and continued to love me despite my errors and drama that follows me.
Here's a toast to my love who broke down my walls, showed me what true love is in a relationship, pulled me when I pushed away, took care of me at my lowest and soared with me at my highest, and stood beside the last couple of years to make sure I knew you weren't going any where.
Here, here! Cheers to a new decade of bigger and better things to come!
When life before me is only a memory.
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames.
-Superchick
