Is It True?

Yes, it is.

It's hard to believe.

When I think about it, my heart starts to beat really fast.

I have broken into a sweat a few times today.

My feet have grown cold because I'm nervous.

My stomach has been knots. I don't know how I kept lunch down.

Oh yeah, I went to the bathroom so it didn't stay too long.

No, this can't be true.

I guess I need to put my big girl panties and deal with it.

School starts back tomorrow.

Hurt and Love

Hurt.

It's a word that is used in several different meanings. I most often hear, "He hurt my feelings." Or I'll say, "Don't say such hurtful things to one another." But to me, those are only surfuce hurts.

Hurt can be much deeper than that. It can be a personal struggle. It could be domestic abuse. It could emotional abuse. It could be losing someone you loved deeply for. It could mean betrayal. It could physical pain. It could heart hurting.

A deep physical hurt can be rare and raw. I can only think of a small handful of experiences when I felt raw. My heart physically hurt. I felt like my heart had just shattered in pieces and felt like I would never move on. I hurt and ached so deeply that I thought no one would ever understand my pain.

Certain events cause such deep hurting that few, random people truly understand the pain and emotions one experiences. Its hard for a friend to grasp the words or actions to do to ease the pain for a loved one. Do you sit there and hold their hand? Or do you stumble around on phrases to say to make it better? Do you make a joke of the situation or do you cry with the person?

Today, I was reminded that people are placed in our lives to help us handle certain hurt. Tragic events occur in our lives that makes us question why God would put us through them. But today, God reminded me that He places certain people in our life to minister to, or for them to minister to us. Today a friend told me, "I just can't right now. I hurt too much and I'm too weak for her." She sympathized so much for our friend and could identify with the situation that she physically felt weak for her. This is a true friendship. When a friend is truly hurt, the other friend should be able to physically feel the pain because the love is so deep. Often like a mother's love for her child. My mom once told me, "I cannot identify with what you are going through, but I hurt for you because you are my child."

God reminded me of that today when I was hurting for a close, sweet friend. God reminded me that He knows of our pain. He knows of our weakness. When we are brought to this point, then God truly works.

COMPASSION

God shows compasion for the weary and weak. God never said that we will always know why we endure the hardships we do. He just promised that He would never leave us, never fail us. But experiencing the hurt I felt today for a friend is not even a quarter of what she feels. But God does know her pain. Only He can restore her and ease the hurt.

Hurt.

It's deep. It's true. Just as God's love for us.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Learning to cherish

Have you ever known of a time that you knew that time or even was eventually coming but you kind of refused to acknowledge that event?

Well I definitely faced that time tonight. One of my dearest, kindest, best friends Heather is moving to Florida this week. We went and had dinner for one last time at our favorite resturant in Greenville. I know she's only moving to FL and I'll see her again. Granted, we did not see each other every week or talk every day. BUT, I knew if I ever needed anything, she was just 10 minutes down the road. Now, it's 10 hours away. None the less, I am excited for her and this new part of her life.

Tonight at dinner, we were reflecting on some past events from our high school, college, and present days. What has always been so great about our relationship is that one of us always remember something that the other forgot. For example, we were walking up to Soby's and she said, "Hey, I wonder if creepy kitchen guy from Ellis' still works here?" And it instantly reminded me of creepy kitchen guy (this guy was always creating awkward and weird situations for HP when we worked at Ellis'). I then reminded her of the time when she called and blessed me out for not talking to her because I was so busy (I suck at priorities). At that time I was furious, then had a break down later on that night which resulted in a phone call from her, apologizing for her meanie attitude towards me. Ohh the fights between girls and best friends...

Of course, the conversation turned towards past relationships with old guys (this is because I was talking about my weird dreams I've been having lately about guys in my past...that's a whole other issue). We both agreed that if you cannot walk away from a relationship feeling like you learned something from that relationship, then you can't grow to be who you need to be. I felt like honestly tonight I could look back and recount each relationship with each guy and say I learned something from that relationship. But is it ok to go back and regret some parts of your past? Or can you not necessarily regret the past, but if you could go back you would kind of do some things over? I know you can't always play the what if game when it comes to what you would do in the past or for the future. But come on, it is fun to play. Of course, on our recounting of our relationships, it had me shuttering at the thought of some of them (what was I thinking of dating someone 10 years older than me when I was 18??). But at some point you have to cherish those times that you had because at one time that person meant something to you (small or big). I'm not saying that I would have taken back a relationship, but I do wonder what if I had put more work into a certain relationship or should I have just walked aways completely at the beginning? Now, don't get me wrong, I am more than thrilled and happy in my relationship with Josh. I could not be with someone more compatible. But walking down memory lane with Heather was a nice closing to our dinner.

I reminded Heather that with all our past, one that that she has along with some of my other closest friends, is that she was there through all of it. She has watched me have emotional breakdowns in her car at 11:30 at night to laughing with me (or at me, I could never tell) when I've done really dumb stuff. She always had a special talent of wedging me open with my secrets and closed up thoughts. That's one thing that I would not take back for the world--a friend that saw the good and ugly. So, after tonight, I finally learned that I have to cherish the moments we had in the past and cherish the moments that God continues to bless us with in the future. After all, that's what Skype is for.

For My Catelyn

I got the chance to spend a LATE Friday night with my friend Catelyn Briggs Franklin. While the boys were out doing the "boy" thing for Andy's last night before the wedding, I went over to see Catelyn. We had the opportunity to catch up and talk about life. The more I get to know this girl, the more I love her. Not only is she easy to talk but the girl loves to read! A woman after my own heart. I look forward to building our friendship!

(I thought I had a better pic...but Saturday night was a lil bit crazy.)

End of an Era

This past weekend Josh graduated from UNCC with a degree in Mechanical Engineering. So not only did he graduate but he also accepted a job from Piedmont Natural Gas. It's amazing how we longed for this for the last three years and it all came true within one week. God has definitely had his hand on us for the last three years. There were several times I did not think we would survive but there were also some great times. Now, pay up honey, it's your turn to pay for everything.

I am super excited about the next part. We have decided to start looking for our first home!! We have been crunching some numbers to see what we could afford and what we would like. We probably will not buy until this winter but I am obsessed with real estate now. I am constantly looking and researching. I think Josh is getting tired of my emails. But how fun is this going to be now??? I am more excited about decorating and designing!! So if you see any fun, classic southern design rooms, send 'em my way!

My Wordless Wednesday

Happy Birthday Alli B!

Totally Rad 80s

We celebrated Scott's 40th birthday with a surprise 80's birthday party last weekend. Below are some pictures from the night. (Of course there were more, but we dare not mention those...)

40 days

Jesus endured 40 days of trial and tribulation in the wilderness.

I must endure 40 days of stress, Spring fever, testing, and last minute curriculum craming.

Spring Break was such a tease.

If Jesus did it, so can I.

Annoyed

I just became a "fan" of my cousin on Facebook. She deleted me and I can't add her as a friend, much less search for her. So I had to become a fan on her fan page to keep up with her. Before you know it, I'm going to see her on ESPN reporting a game. Then I'll say, "Oh yeah. Glad to see she's let her hair grow out. Looks good." Not to mention the rando texts I get from her. When I respond back, I get nothing in return. Facebook...blog...Skype...text...phone...All these ample opportunities to communicate and I'm limited to my responses from her. Kind of ironic.

Truly Tuesday

Setting: My classroom, 1:00 PM, Social Studies/Reading

Audience: My 21 students plus me

What: P.H. reading from the newspaper (mind you, he's a child that has difficulty making certain letter sounds)

P.H.: "In order to get back at the British, the colonists dumped shiploads of tea into the harbor."
S.D.: "OMG! Perry, do you realize what you just said?"
P.H.: "No.."

Catch: P.H. didn't say shipload. He said another word.

My thoughts: "Yes, you could have phrased it that way. So true."

Made me laugh. Happy Tuesday!

P.H. melts my heart

If you've spoken with me at all this past year, you've probably heard of my P.H. (I can't say his name) PH has really pressed some walls with me this year. He's so loud some days that Lisa has to come from her room to quiet him down. He constantly blurts out, yells my name more than any child I've ever met, and makes working in groups difficult.

However, lately he has been a completely different child since Christmas break. Well, not completely different but he is working harder than he used to.

The other day, we were working on a problem in our Math Morning Workbook. The question was What 1/4 of the birds came to the feeder? I asked PH What kind of bird came to the feeder? His response: A hungry bird. They were looking for some food! (but he has trouble pronouncing his "r"s). I just smiled.

And his new years resolutions? Goodbye 2009. It was a great year except I did not do well in math and spelling at all. Hello 2010, I am going to do great in math and spelling this year!

How can you not just melt?

Oh, He eventually got the answer...and yelled it out during review time.

Belly Flop In the Snow

Turn the sound up. It'll make you laugh.

I'm such a retard.

Insomnia leads to new ideas

I currently cannot sleep at all. I do not know if it is from being with Josh with last two weeks and now I'm laying here without him or just anxious for the school day tomorrow. With tomorrow being my 25 birthday (technically it's today, but who's counting?) and celebrating a new decade, I thought about what all I have experienced in the last decade. Man, if you really think about it, it was alot. I'm talking getting my driver's license, a car, graduating high school and college, seeing friends get married and have babies, meeting my love, getting a grown up job and seeing my life drastically change from what I used to know...it's amazing. I truly do wonder what's going to happen in the next decade. While there are several things that I hope to happen (i.e. get married, have a baby or two, finish my masters and receive an additional degree) I cannot imagine WHAT can happen.

In the last decade I've seen myself transform from a high school kid to a collage graduate to a working woman with a car payment and student loans knocking at my door. It's almost bittersweet. Tonight I was talking with Mom about some pretty serious deep stuff. It was almost like our roles were reversed--I was playing mom and she was playing child. With her having to "start over" I was encouraging her to have confidence, put herself out there, and be the independent woman that I know. I told her, "Where do you think I learned my great qualities from?" Her response: "Not from your father." I will admit, I laughed. I never thought I would see my relationship with my mom change from what it used to be (menopausal time) to now (post menopausal). We've been thrown into a loop where what used to be a family of 3 (four when Jason would grace us with his presence) to a family of 2 (plus 2 dogs and Jason when he's up for causing drama). How do you continue on when you're not quite sure how? I put on a front like I'm ok--I have a goal to work and have a life. Then on days like this where I'm celebrating a birthday that used to be filled with a father that I once knew that would call me on my birthday at the exact same time I was born to "officially" congratulate me on being a year older. Do I expect him to call me on my birthday this year? No. Do I expect a text message? Probably. But to be honest, if he were to call I am not sure I would answer the phone. Lord knows I am grateful for the man that raised me to be who I am today, but I also so much grateful for my mom who raised me to the woman I am. I take for granted how hard my mother works, and yes she does drive me crazy at several times throughout my weeks. But she is just grabbing hold of the most stable family member she knows. At times though I wonder if I am stable enough for her.

I want things to be better. They told me "It's going to get ugly before it gets better." I've been plenty of ugly and I'm ready to see some beauty. I know I've grown stronger in the last 10 years, especially the last 3 years. I've seen myself grow up and move ahead of my life. I know the next 10 years are going to be dramatic, life changing, exciting, and encouraging. I'm unsure right now but I know at the end of the day I will be one more day closer to understanding it all.

Here's a toast to my family that has survived the drama, loved through the hardest times, found laughter when it was hard, cried for me, pushed me when I was tired, and stood behind every decision I made.

Here's a toast to my friends that listened to my rambling phone calls, sat with me through the tears, bought me cups of coffee and chocolate, made me buy fun underwear to make me feel better, kidnap me for random road trips, and continued to love me despite my errors and drama that follows me.

Here's a toast to my love who broke down my walls, showed me what true love is in a relationship, pulled me when I pushed away, took care of me at my lowest and soared with me at my highest, and stood beside the last couple of years to make sure I knew you weren't going any where.

Here, here! Cheers to a new decade of bigger and better things to come!

When life before me is only a memory.

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.

And though I can't understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames.

-Superchick