The Final Deal

Tomorrow the divorce is final.

This battle has been going on for over a year now.

It's surreal.

I'm not sure what to think. Or what to say. I love my dad. I always will. I love him regardless of his actions. Josh's mom once told me, "Jess. There's a difference between accepting what your dad has done and approving of what he's done. You have to accept that what your dad has done is wrong. There's nothing you can change it. And you can't forgive your dad until you can accept it. Now, you don't have to approve of what your dad has done. And you probably never will. But until you learn the difference between accepting and approving, you won't be able to move on."

And she was so right. She probably told me that this past summer. And it has taken me about 6 months to finally understand what she meant. I haven't spoken to my dad since last February because I was so angry with him and hut. And I have finally gotten to the point where I think I can stomach a conversation with him. Now, it's not our old normal regular convos where it's full blown "Hey, this is what's happening, this is what's going on." It's more of, "Hey, how are you? Good. Talk to you later" kind of deal. I've learned to accept what dad has done. I can't change it. My mom can't change it, no matter how much she wishes she could change it. No one can change it. But we can't move on until we accept and acknowledge dad's actions. I've come to terms with reality. I've realized how deep love can hurt and how strong love can be. Dad hurt us deeply. But I realized after a year that I still love my dad, no matter what. Nothing can take away the things he has done for me and he still does for me. Nothing can take him away. I still believe that there are 2 different men living inside my dad. The man that I knew growing up and loving. Then there's a man that is being controlled by worldy things.

My mom, bless her heart, is a strong good woman. I don't think she realizes this enough. I hate and hurt to see her go through this tomorrow. But I know she's going to get through. I tell her this, but she doesn't see it. I want to tell her, "Mom. Look at your other friends. Look at your divorced or widowed friends. Are they living in a ditch? Are they a mad house mess? No. They are doing fine!" She has come such a long away and I'm so proud of her. She tells me, "You don't understand. You never will." And I don't understand what she's going through. I was without Josh for 2 weeks and that was the hardest 2 weeks of MY LIFE. So no, I could imagine what she's going through. But what I can imagine is a better life for her. A life that is built on trust, strength, honesty, integrity, love, good morals, and a God that showers love and blessings on her that will be never ending. I guess that's just me being my opptimistic self. I want the best for my mom, and this is the best. God would not and has not forsaken her during this time. If anything, God is even more present now in her life and relationship. Why would a God of love and strength leave a woman who has served Him all her life? He wouldn't. Why would God put a woman through what my mom has gone through and going through? Because we are humans. We live in a world of sin. And our sin and consequences affects and hurts everyone, even Christians. In the Bible, it quotes that we are put through times of trials and tribulation to produce character and endurance and strength. Wow. What a better way to go through a trial and hardships than this?

I firmly believe that there is a better reason and purpose for my mom's life. And my life too for that matter. My mom has a lot of fears of being alone. My greatest prayer for her is that she realizes that she isn't alone. I have no more words or actions to say or prove to her that she isn't alone. She may be alone physcially but she has more love and friends and family than any other 55 year old woman I know. I pray that I have that when I'm her age! What a blessing that is for her!

This blog has turned into a letter to her pretty much. I don't even know if she reads my blog. I just want her to know that even though I'm moving, she still can't get rid of me. I will always be there for her.

Just remember my family the rest of the week as we jump this one more hurdle. Pray for strength and love for my mom. Pray for my sanity and that I have the right words to say for my mom tomorrow. Pray for my mom's friends as they comfort her. She has a great group of friends and I'm so glad that they are there to encourage her.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”