"You'll be Alright."

Well, tonight, I was searching on Facebook at 1:45 AM Colombia time because I have nothing else to do while chatting with Josh and I saw that my friends Ben and Jessica are engaged (congrats to both of them) and a week or so ago one of my bestest friends from high school Kelly got engaged, which I am estatic for her.

Meredith is getting married Sunday.

Hayley is getting married in May.

And I'm sure I could name some more.

Out of my group of girls from North Spartanburg, only Shawn and I are left that aren't married or with a baby. And I'm talking out of 9 girls.

But honestly, this is crazy.

I am happy for my friends that are getting married and engaged but it still blows my mind that we're moving on to that stage of our life. It doesn't seem real. I mean, are we really ready to move to that part of lives? Are we too young? Or are we at the right age? Or should we just wait till we're older?

My friend Taryn is pretty much begging for a ring at this point. Everyday she asks Chase when she is getting her ring and he finally told her by the end of the year (we're all hoping it's soon so she'll shut up). She is ready for that point! She is making wedding plans, setting dates, and doing the whole thing before getting the ring. She's already moved on to that part of our lives.

Me, on the other hand, I've always been "fly by the seat of your pants" type of girl. Never got serious with anyone because I never really wanted to. My longest relationship has been 3 months (crazy right) But I always enjoyed the single life. I liked having different guy friends to hang out with and date here and there. Pretty much most of high school and college, all my friends had signficiant others while I was just the girl that tagged along, made friends with the "boyfriend" so I could "approve" and not feel left out (which happened a few times) but I dealt with it.

I think I always wanted to prove you could have fun being single and I did. I wanted to be independent and not become the girl that relied on her boyfriend to make her happy or make her whole world about a guy and forget about her friends. I wanted to prove that I was not like that because I didn't like it when girls did it--I thought it was stupid. I've been told it's because I didn't know what it felt like to be "in love" (which I didn't) and I couldn't make judgments until I was there myself. Fair enough. I still think it's stupid.

But one day, my mom and I were talking about relationships and she said that she could tell deep down I wanted someone to be with. And I did. I longed for that companion. Too many times have I heard, "Aw.Why doesn't Jess have someone?" or "We would have invited you but we didn't want you to feel left out since you don't have a date..." (which is a slap in the fact---never say that to someone). And I know someone is going to say, "Jesus should be your companion! He is the lover of your soul!!" Yeah. Ok. I know He is everything I need, but Jesus can't treat me to a Peanut Butter malt at the Beacon or be my date on date night with the girls. Can you see me walking up to them and saying, "Hey everyone. I brought Jesus tonight. He's got dibs on the blessing though."

Yeah I don't think so (but at least I could tell Mom He's a christian and goes to church). Haha.

All this rambling goes back to someone else I know getting engaged. I kind of went a round about way there. This has just made me re-evaluate me and where I've been in comparison to my friends in the past years. I don't normally compare myself to them and try to be better than them because thats what makes us such great friends--because we're all different! But I've always been lagging in the love department and now I'm lagging in the job department (but that's going to be a whole other blog with lots of thoughts on it).

I feel like life and everyone is moving ahead and I'm just trailing behind, yelling, "Y'all go ahead! I'll catch up with y'all in a couple years. You know me...Don't worry. I got this!"

But part of me thinks that I don't have this. That I'm going to screw up and not be what I want to be---someone with no motivation living with 10 dogs (because I won't do cats). But I know God isn't going to let that happen. I know He didn't waste a perfectly good body that has brains, a college degree and functions normally on nothing. But it's just that deep...worry. That I'm like, "ok. Now what? Where to?" Because honestly, I have no idea. I don't know where I'm going. That's what scares me. The last 8 years of my life have been planned.

You go to high school--check.
You graduate from high school--check.
You know what you want to do in college--check.
You go to college--check.
You graduate from college--check.
You...get a job? (nada)
You...get engaged? (nada)

Now, don't freak out on me quite yet. I know some of y'all are thinking, "Sooo...you want to get engaged?" Yes and no. Yes, one day, I would love to be engaged to my best friend and know this is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But ONE DAY. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not 6 months from now. I'm no where ready for that.

And Lord knows Josh isn't. We're not. Only 2 and half months into a relationship hardly calls for marriage talk. Duh.

But knowing someone else is engaged--wow. Marriage. That's a big step. They're ready. I'm obviously not. And I think I'm coming to terms that I'll be ok.

When I told Josh about Ben and Jessica, his response: "You'll be alright."

And he is right. I'll be fine.

Because I'm a big girl. And I'm in a relationship that I see lasting longer than 3 months.