Will I Ever Ben Caught Up?

My feet have hit the ground this week and I have not stopped running. It has been nonstop.

First of all, I'm moving out in less than 2 weeks. This is way sooner than what I had originally planned. So it's been a whirlwind around here. Cleaning and packing. More cleaning. This weekend will entail more packing. While I'm super excited, it has been really overwhelming.

Secondly, I just coughed up $400 at the eye doctor for new contacts, glasses, and an eye exam. Joy right? The plus is that I got some neato new classes and because of my insurance I saved over $300. So I keep telling myself that's a positive.

Next, my loans for school will not be here till May because we had to move back our start date for the classes which totally bites because I was ready to start ASAP. So this is just more dwindling. It's probably a good thing the start date got pushed back because this will give me more time to settle into the apartment.

Also, I am being audited by the IRS. My fault and I'm paying for it. WONDERFUL.

I just keep telling myself, "Calm down. It will be ok. You will pull through this." I am trying to put some money aside in savings up front so I'm not freaking out in a few weeks about moving. I've been trying to live by my "10-10-80." 10% is tithing, 10% savings, 80% live off of. Man that is hard. I know money shouldn't consume my life but it can be challenging when that's what you depend on.

I had this stressed look on my face today. Robin (my mentor) said, "What's wrong hunny? You look stressed." And I said, "I am not ready financially for all of this." She replied, "Girl, you never will be."

And I'm starting to believe she's right. There is always something that's going to come up. More student loans, debt, payments, this, that, the IRS. Geez. But I look back at when I was in college. I was living off $300-400 a month. That was ROUGH. My one pay check now would equal my money for 4 months in college. I know I should be grateful that I have a job and I can pay my bills. It just gets really overwhelming sometimes for me. But does it ever stop being overwhelming?

Then I start thinking about the future. Josh hates it when I do this. But I start to think-Ok. If I already have this "x" amount of money in student loans and he has this "x" amount this would be put at "xxxx" amount of debt when we get married. Then I just want to fall over and die.

On another note, there's a $200 comforter set I want from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Geezzz I want it so badly. Can I budget it?? It's a really good deal. Especially with a coupon.

do you ever feel really overwhelmed with money? do you have any advice????

Couples Survey

Ok I know I should do a real blog. But I have been exhausted and just cleaned out my "corner" of the basement. I will post and blog about that later. But for now, here's this. (I'm doing it without Josh because he would think this is totally dumb)

What are your middle names?
Steven and Pilar

How long have you been together?
2 yrs May 25!

How old are each of you?
Both 24. I'm 2 weeks older.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
None. Our first date was the first night we met and we've been together since. Well, I take that back. We talked on the phone for about a month or so before our first date.

Who asked who out?
Josh asked Jess out. Kinda.

How long did it take to get serious?
It took me longer to get more serious than Josh. Josh was ready for a bigger commitment than I was. But after moving back home and leaving Josh, I was ready.

Are you from the same home town?
No

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Probably Joshs since we never know when my brother is going to grace us with his presence. But I consider Holly and India sisters so we see them a lot on the weekends too.

Do you have any children together?
Big negative.

What about pets?
Josie Bella, our Chorkie!

Did you go to the same school?
Nope

Who is the most sensitive?
Me of course. Josh won't admit it, but I've seen that sensitive side before. Such a turn-on (dead serious).

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Firehouse, Outback, Bojangles. Our new obession is PF Changs and Jason's Deli. Lately we've been at Gators, but against our will.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Jacksonville, FL

Who has the worst temper?
Josh. Lord help us. When he gets caught up in something and stressed it takes it to the way extreme, which turns in to pouty moods.

Who does the cooking?
We both do.

Who is more social?
Used to be me but we're pretty even now. Josh has came out more.

Who is the neat freak?
Josh

Who is the most stubborn?
we are both extremely stubborn.

Who hogs the bed?
Josh. and Josie. There's no hope with both of them in the bed together.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. Those 5:30 AM wake up calls during the week stick with me on the weekends most of the time.

Where was your first date?
T-Bonz on the River in Gastonia. Then Sammy's Pub till 2 AM. Then back to the parking lot for convo til 3 AM.

Who has the bigger family?
Josh has a bigger immediate family, I have a larger extended family.

How do you spend the holidays?
traveling and I hate it. We have 2 Thanksgivings, and 3 Christmases.

Do you get flowers often?
No but when he does give flowers he gives big time (i.e. my BEAUTIFUL orchids for Valentine's Day delivered to school)

Who eats more?
Josh

Who sings better?
I sing all the time, don't know if Josh cares for it. But I know Josh has a voice inside of him that he is just WAITING to let out.

Who does the laundry?
We do our own since we live in seperate places. But Josh does better at keeping up wih his.

Who’s better with the computer?
Josh

Who drives when you are together?
Depends. If we're in SPTBG, I drive. If we're in Gastonia, Josh drives.

Who picks where you go to dinner?
It's a collective decision. We decide together...it's an hour process sometimes.

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Probably me just to end the fight and be done with it. And just to drop whatever the problem is.

Who eats more sweets?
Me...definitely. That has not been a big quality Josh admires in me.

Who cries more?
Me

1. Where is your cell phone? jacket
2. Your significant other? Joshie
3. Your hair? dry
4. Your mother? crazy
5. Your father? douche
6. Your favorite thing? reading
7. Your dream last night? nothing
8. Your favorite drink? diet coke
9. Your dream/goal? live
10. What room you are in? classroom
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? moved
14. Where were you last night? Candice's
15. Muffins? love
17. Wish list item? ring
18. Where you grew up? SC
19. Last thing you did? teach
20. What are you wearing? skirt
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? hyper
23. Friends? different
24. Your life? good
25. Your mood? tired
26. Missing someone? yes
27. Car? Honda
28. Something you're not wearing? glasses
29. Your favorite store? Gap Outlet (there's a difference)
30. Your favorite color? black
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? Tuesday
35. Who will resend this? none
36. One place that I go to over and over? bed :)
37. One person who emails me regularly? Facebook
38. My favorite place to eat? Pizza Inn
39. Why you participated in this survey? bored
40. What are you doing tonight? planning

It's official

I'm going to my grave early.

Between my job and the stress it brings...

to my insane family that makes me twitch...

to my boyfriend who is so stubborn it's almost impossible to NOT love him (if you know what I mean)...

I'm going to lose it.

I swear I have found 2 new gray hairs on my head. And Lisa just keeps on pulling them out. Maybe that's why they're multiplying and I keep finding more.

It it wasn't for

the laughs we have at work after school and faculty meetings...

to the "wholesome" love and talks from my family...

to the same understanding and love from my boyfriend...

I would be up at the Mental Health Department filling out an application.

Can You Hear Me??

What the mess. I've lost my voice. I thought I was coming down with strep because 4 of my students have had strep in the last 2 weeks. BOOO. But I was a good little girl and had our school nurse check me out. (Nurse Beth rocks by the way because she keeps a stash of meds her cabinet for us) She said it didn't look like strep but to rest my voice. Ha. Yeah right. All I've done today was talk, and then try to talk even louder so my students could hear me. Awful. Insane.

On another note, I'm hoping to move out with Steena soon. Hopefully by the spring. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom and we've had some good times but it's time for me to scoot along. Steena and I are looking at apartments to see what we can find. Keep your fingers crossed!

I am excited about this weekend and it's not because it's Valentine's Day but because we're going to the beach!!! YEAH!! I'm praying that I will have overcome whatever I'm fighting by then.

Oh and I got this e-mail from Allie B in India. It totally made me laugh the other morning when I got it. :)

Subject: PYKA IS IN INDIA.
Body: So the other day, I thought I heard a cat screaming...HELLOOOO!!! like Pyka used to do when you didn't feed her in the mornings. Well, I just saw the devil of a cat and heard it screaming. Cats are really rare here, so it's odd that the one talking cat is in our neighborhood. Anyways, if you could send a gun over that would be great. Have a great day at school.

Allie, just know that God has sent you that Pyka sound a like cat for you to remember our great times together and all the memories you and Pyka shared. P.S. The gun is on the way.

I'm just totally rambling. I think I'm going to go find something to eat. If I can't talk, the least I can do is eat, right?

Junk in my trunk: A deep thought

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about my big butt. I'm talking about "junk" from the past.

Every Christmas and some random Valentine's day holidays Mom will buy me a dating/marital book. In high school it was "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and then "Boy Meets Girl." In college, it was "Captivating" and "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" I loved all those books. And now I guess since Josh and I are getting serious and the "M" word is coming up more lately, she has been buying me marriage books such as "How Do I Know You're the One?" and "Happily Ever After." Granted, the latter of the books are a little bit more intense than I like so I'm having to read them a little bit at a time considering Josh and I are not engaged or married yet.

The other night I did read the first chapter of "Happily Ever After." It was entitled, "Where You Come From: Family History." My first thought was, "Oh great. We both have WONDERFUL family histories" (in my most sarcastic tone).

Now I type the next little bit with a disclaimer: If you are part of mine or Josh's family-this is nothing against you. I love both families equally. Josh's family has done everything to make me feel like part of theirs. From Bev to dotting on me giving me manicures, to Mark being the "father figure" when mine stepped out a year ago, to his brothers embracing me in big hugs, to Victoria making me feel like a sister...and the list could go on.

It talked about how when you marry you are marrying the parents, the aunts and uncles, grandparents, and everyone else that comes along with the tote. When Josh marries me, he is marrying into 70 close family and friends--no lie. And I with him. And we both love each other's families, well I at least hope he loves mine. But our families are different and it's obvious. We're so similar at the same time. It's a blessing in disguise.

Bound to Repeat it: If you know me and my family, you know I am spitting image of my father and grandfather--inside and out. From the thick black hair, to the love to read and explore new land, to our silence and smart mouths when we're upset. I've always laughed about how similar I was to my dad and grandfather but Josh has pointed out to me in the last 2 years of our relationship that those qualities can be harmful to our relationship. I used to not open up about feelings. I would journal. Think about it. Pray about it. THEN I would come to you when I was ready to talk. Josh has taught me to be more open about things. Talk to him--COMMUNICATE, which is hard when I'm upset with him. Even Bev, Josh's mom, will ask questions point blank that just seems to open up a whole conversation flow. I hope I have qualities that he finds HELPFUl to our relationship. I wonder what those are?

And Josh has qualities that I struggle with that remind me so much of my dad, too (as much as I hate to say it). My dad was always tight with money. He didn't spend it unless it was something he wanted or if it was a Christmas gift. If I borrowed money and said I would have it back by some "x" date, on that date, he would be expecting his money back (which was good because it taught me money management and repsonsibility at a young age). Josh is like that. When he wants to spend, he'll spend. But when he doesn't, he puts the reigns on, and breaks down every penny in his checking account and make it sound like he's going to be homeless in the next 2 weeks. This drives me crazy. Do you know anyone like that? I'm not a big spender (I do have my weaknesses) but it is a reflection. but then Josh reminds me of his mom too. He has that tender side like Bev does. When he wants to be sweet and considerate (which he is most of the time), he is just like Bev.

Those qualities have so much with your past. And I don't think realize those things until you are married and living together. Toben Heim (the author) said,
One way or another, you'll discover all kinds of things about each other that stern from your past, your story. That is so true. I LOATHE vaccuming. Actually, I hate the vaccum cleaner that goes with it and the "response" from my mom when cleaning. Josh has soooo picked up on this. He'll make the comment, "Go ahead and vaccum but don't put it up because you'll have to redo it again. Then that will turn into a yelling match between you and your mom." Am I going to resent Josh when he tries to help me clean? Am I going to automatically burst when Josh points out something that I need to do because that's how I reacted to my mom?

At the end of the chapter it has questions that you can discuss with your significant other. Alot of those are the basics, "How many children do you plan to have?...How are you going to split up the chores in the house?...What are boundaries you need to set as a couple with your family?" The first question stood out to me: How has your family influenced your view of marriage? Bull's eye. Bingo. That one question I struggle with daily.

Josh's parents divorced when he was young. Both of them have remarried. While both families are very different, they show love to Josh is different ways. Bev and Mark choose to show it in verbal "discussions" about random weird things, cooked dinners, car parts, and other things. Josh's dad, Bruce, and stepmom, Karen, show it through a game of poker and lending us poker chips when our stack is getting low. Both very different set of parents but have shaped Josh so much. It has shaped his view of marriage too. We haven't talked a whole lot about marriage and how we view it. But comments have been made from him that make me go, "Hmmmm..." or "ahaa..."

Then I look at my parent's relationship. It's still a tender cut and it probably will be for a long time. I watched for almost 23 years my parents love and raise a family in a good home. I watched them make sacrifices and battle through some pretty nasty things, including my mom the most. When dad left last January, it was hard. I knew when he left, he was leaving for good and never coming back. He was done with this lifestyle that they had worked so hard on building. I watched my mom fight with every ounce in her body to have him back, then learn she needed to let him go and deal with the pain. This put up a big wall in my relationship with Josh. I often thought the first months of my parent's seperation, "If my own FATHER can leave me, betray my mom and family, and lie for God knows how long--the first man I ever loved--how do I know that Josh isn't going to the same to me?" I mean I was paranoid. I lost all trust in Josh, a guy that I had no reason to lose trust in because he has done nothing but be faithful to me. I would check Josh's facebook and myspace, look at the smallest details, and be shaking with nerves by the end of the night, on the phone with Lauren, Candice, or Meredith in tears. What had happened to me? Josh had done nothing. What is wrong with me? Thoughts kept going back to my dad and what he did. Gone was that relationship for a while--what about mine and Josh's?

Then Josh replied with, "I would never do that to you because I am not my father nor your father. I always said I would never grow up to be that kind of man."

And he's right. All in all, he is not like my father. Yes in some ways I do see some resemblance but I love him. I love my dad still...alot. And I yern for that relationship which has made me cling to Josh even more and his stepdad, which he has stepped up to that roll. The loves of my life...geez.

I think sometimes, "Ha. If Josh saw this coming, would he still be around?" Yeah he would be. I'm glad that we were together when things went haywire. Could you imagine me explaing all of this to someone who wasn't here from the beginning? "Hey, nice to meet you. By the way, before we get into this relationship, I have a love/hate relationship with my mom...my dad and I don't speak because he tarnished the image of marriage and trust and I can't forgive him. Are you willing to date me?"

Josh has seen all the good and bad. And I've seen some of his good and bad. Wow. If the first chapter of this book made me think and write this much, I can't imagine what the next chapter is going to be.

I told you my next blog was going to be a killer.

I will update...

Soon. The new year has been insane.

And I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head...just things reminding me of the previous year...

It's gonna be a killer when I do blog.

But for right now, here is what I'm currently doing INSTEAD of blogging...
-Applying to Grad School
-Finishing my "2 week unit" to give to Mr. B BY FRIDAY
-Being OBSERVED by ADEPT evaluators
-Starting my new financial plan "20-20-80." Ask if you're curious.
-Getting rid of fleas on Josie. Yeck.
-Filling out FAFSA. Who knew I would be doing THAT again?
-Planning my new few weekend trips.
-Gym every other day with a 5:30 AM walk 4 days a week
-Trying to figure out where my next flipchart is going to come from or be rather.

And oh yeah, trying to catch some sleep.

Is anyone else overwhelmed like me???