Moving

Moving = Exhaustion.

We moved Friday to our new apartment in Duncan. I was so excited that morning. I kept jumping on the bed until Josh woke up. Then I screamed/sang "Rise and Shine..Give God the GLORY GLORY" to Christina and Will at 8 AM. Needless to say, I was PUMPED.

Well that died at like 12. We got Christina's stuff moved (mind you, she was not packed when we arrived) and stopped to eat at "The Crack" (Cracker Barrell. Apparently that's what Duncan people call it). We decided to call to tell the apartment people we were on our way...well I'm glad we did. We got to the apartments, signed our lease and OH! The office people can't find the apartment keys. Hmmm...I wonder where they would be? Oh that's right...the maintenance people have them because our apartment was still being FREAKIN CLEANED. The walls were wet from fresh paint, they were about to steam clean the carpet so we couldn't move in for 3 more hours.

We were NOT happy. So we talked to the people, and they gave us another apartment. By the time all that got situated out, it was after 3. (And they gave us our first month free)

Grrrr...

Came back here, to grab my stuff (Thank the Lord for Blake and Mandy) and we dumped my stuff finally at the apartment.

In the midst of all of this, I had to call Duke to get the power switched (and you know that cannot be just a 2 minute phone call) and call Charter to get our address switched. They were scheduled to come Friday on move in day to hook the cable up. But because we switched apartments, they had to place a whole new order which means no cable and internet until Tuesday.

Grrrr....

3 more trips to Wal-Mart, a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond (which I'll have to return that stuff now), Target and Dollar Tree I was dun-zo Saturday.

But I couldn't help but feel a little homesick. Holly said that was normal since my apartment isn't quite "home" yet.

We still have so much to do. We need more stuff for the living room but I'm out of money right now. I didn't want Josh to leave this afternoon because it's lonely at the apartment with no tv, internet...nothing to entertain me. (So, sorry darlin for being a jerk today.) I guess I could go to the fitness center and work out and run to watch my shows...

The good thing is that Lo is literally a mile away from me now and Mandy/Blake are maybe 10 minutes from me. So I do have friends in Duncan.

On another note, I'm here at Mom's drying towels and doing laundry because our dryer doesn't work. That's something else we gotta figure out.

Just think...I gotta do all of this a year from now...oooho joy.

The Final Deal

Tomorrow the divorce is final.

This battle has been going on for over a year now.

It's surreal.

I'm not sure what to think. Or what to say. I love my dad. I always will. I love him regardless of his actions. Josh's mom once told me, "Jess. There's a difference between accepting what your dad has done and approving of what he's done. You have to accept that what your dad has done is wrong. There's nothing you can change it. And you can't forgive your dad until you can accept it. Now, you don't have to approve of what your dad has done. And you probably never will. But until you learn the difference between accepting and approving, you won't be able to move on."

And she was so right. She probably told me that this past summer. And it has taken me about 6 months to finally understand what she meant. I haven't spoken to my dad since last February because I was so angry with him and hut. And I have finally gotten to the point where I think I can stomach a conversation with him. Now, it's not our old normal regular convos where it's full blown "Hey, this is what's happening, this is what's going on." It's more of, "Hey, how are you? Good. Talk to you later" kind of deal. I've learned to accept what dad has done. I can't change it. My mom can't change it, no matter how much she wishes she could change it. No one can change it. But we can't move on until we accept and acknowledge dad's actions. I've come to terms with reality. I've realized how deep love can hurt and how strong love can be. Dad hurt us deeply. But I realized after a year that I still love my dad, no matter what. Nothing can take away the things he has done for me and he still does for me. Nothing can take him away. I still believe that there are 2 different men living inside my dad. The man that I knew growing up and loving. Then there's a man that is being controlled by worldy things.

My mom, bless her heart, is a strong good woman. I don't think she realizes this enough. I hate and hurt to see her go through this tomorrow. But I know she's going to get through. I tell her this, but she doesn't see it. I want to tell her, "Mom. Look at your other friends. Look at your divorced or widowed friends. Are they living in a ditch? Are they a mad house mess? No. They are doing fine!" She has come such a long away and I'm so proud of her. She tells me, "You don't understand. You never will." And I don't understand what she's going through. I was without Josh for 2 weeks and that was the hardest 2 weeks of MY LIFE. So no, I could imagine what she's going through. But what I can imagine is a better life for her. A life that is built on trust, strength, honesty, integrity, love, good morals, and a God that showers love and blessings on her that will be never ending. I guess that's just me being my opptimistic self. I want the best for my mom, and this is the best. God would not and has not forsaken her during this time. If anything, God is even more present now in her life and relationship. Why would a God of love and strength leave a woman who has served Him all her life? He wouldn't. Why would God put a woman through what my mom has gone through and going through? Because we are humans. We live in a world of sin. And our sin and consequences affects and hurts everyone, even Christians. In the Bible, it quotes that we are put through times of trials and tribulation to produce character and endurance and strength. Wow. What a better way to go through a trial and hardships than this?

I firmly believe that there is a better reason and purpose for my mom's life. And my life too for that matter. My mom has a lot of fears of being alone. My greatest prayer for her is that she realizes that she isn't alone. I have no more words or actions to say or prove to her that she isn't alone. She may be alone physcially but she has more love and friends and family than any other 55 year old woman I know. I pray that I have that when I'm her age! What a blessing that is for her!

This blog has turned into a letter to her pretty much. I don't even know if she reads my blog. I just want her to know that even though I'm moving, she still can't get rid of me. I will always be there for her.

Just remember my family the rest of the week as we jump this one more hurdle. Pray for strength and love for my mom. Pray for my sanity and that I have the right words to say for my mom tomorrow. Pray for my mom's friends as they comfort her. She has a great group of friends and I'm so glad that they are there to encourage her.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

Straight Up Annoyed

I have been in one mood lately. And I haven't been able to put my finger on what kind of mood I've been in.

Stressed? Yes...but that's not all it.

Depressed? Somewhat...but I have my reasons to. Like, Mom and Dad's divorce final trial being Wednesday.

Exhausted? Of course. That's every week.

Overworked? Duh.

Then, while I was taking a shower it hit me: I am straight up annoyed.

And I mean, I am annoyed at the smallest things.

I am annoyed that my legs are super dry and itchy.
I am annoyed that Josh got to go out and have fun last night.
I am annoyed that I am working and cleaning today by myself.
I am annoyed that my mom is drepressed and negative about everything.
I am annoyed that I haven't had a full weekend with Josh since...Geez, I don't know since when.
I GET annoyed when mom says, "You just don't understand. You never will." Whatev.
I am annoyed that my hair is too long.
I am annoyed that I have a zit that REFUSES to go away.
I am annoyed at every little sarcasim joke that is thrown my way. Normally I can diss it out but lately I have not been in the mood.
I am annoyed that the IRS is on my case.
I am annoyed that Josie still craps on the guest bedroom bed.

And I could go on. But I'll stop. For right now, those are just things I've encountered today. Those things have started out little, turned into frustration, then to annoyance.

The plus is that this annoyance to everything has led to accomplish many tasks in 1 day! Like, donating 20 books to the library (Dead Serious), donating 4 boxes of clothes to the thrift store, hauling out 3 bags of trash (I have 3 more bags in the basement), Cleaning and Packing my dresser and chest drawers, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry and right now that's it. In about an hour I'm going to tackle my closet--my big final project.

So I guess there is an upside to every downside.

Twosies to relieve my Woozies.

Hahah gay but funny.

two things you love
1. reading
2. napping

two things you hate
1. interruptions
2. hot sleepness nights

two best friends
1. Josh
2. Steena/Mer/Heat. It's a toss up.

two best memories
1. Seeing Josh for the first time after being in South American for 3 weeks
2. Winthrop

two regrets
1. making rash decisions
2. procrastinating

two favorite music artists
1. sister hazel
2. brad paisley

two good songs
1. this kind of live (acoustic)
2. amazing grace

two good movies
1. Madea movies
2. Can't Buy Me Love

two good actor/actresses
1. Reese Witherspoon
2. Brad Pitt (typical I know)

two things you watch on tv
1. Scrubs
2. Greys/Private Practice

two good books
1. Any book by Jen Lancaster
2. Any book by Emily Giffen

two things in your room
1. 10 pairs of Danskos
2. jewelry

two questions you want answered
1. Am I really going to pay the government that much?
2. Will my parents ever agree?

two things that could be better
1. The Weather
2. the economy

two things you wish you could do
1. Better my cello skills
2. Travel freely

two good things about summer
1. no school
2. lazy days

two bad things about summer
1. hottness
2. bordem

two things other people should know about you
1. I stress too easily
2. I'm a Google Addict

two things you are constantly told
1. You stress too much.
2. You're burps are disgusting.

two things you look forward to
1. Moving
2. Paying off student loans

two current thoughts
1. Can I pack all of this in 1 weekend?
2. Did I screw up?

Will I Ever Ben Caught Up?

My feet have hit the ground this week and I have not stopped running. It has been nonstop.

First of all, I'm moving out in less than 2 weeks. This is way sooner than what I had originally planned. So it's been a whirlwind around here. Cleaning and packing. More cleaning. This weekend will entail more packing. While I'm super excited, it has been really overwhelming.

Secondly, I just coughed up $400 at the eye doctor for new contacts, glasses, and an eye exam. Joy right? The plus is that I got some neato new classes and because of my insurance I saved over $300. So I keep telling myself that's a positive.

Next, my loans for school will not be here till May because we had to move back our start date for the classes which totally bites because I was ready to start ASAP. So this is just more dwindling. It's probably a good thing the start date got pushed back because this will give me more time to settle into the apartment.

Also, I am being audited by the IRS. My fault and I'm paying for it. WONDERFUL.

I just keep telling myself, "Calm down. It will be ok. You will pull through this." I am trying to put some money aside in savings up front so I'm not freaking out in a few weeks about moving. I've been trying to live by my "10-10-80." 10% is tithing, 10% savings, 80% live off of. Man that is hard. I know money shouldn't consume my life but it can be challenging when that's what you depend on.

I had this stressed look on my face today. Robin (my mentor) said, "What's wrong hunny? You look stressed." And I said, "I am not ready financially for all of this." She replied, "Girl, you never will be."

And I'm starting to believe she's right. There is always something that's going to come up. More student loans, debt, payments, this, that, the IRS. Geez. But I look back at when I was in college. I was living off $300-400 a month. That was ROUGH. My one pay check now would equal my money for 4 months in college. I know I should be grateful that I have a job and I can pay my bills. It just gets really overwhelming sometimes for me. But does it ever stop being overwhelming?

Then I start thinking about the future. Josh hates it when I do this. But I start to think-Ok. If I already have this "x" amount of money in student loans and he has this "x" amount this would be put at "xxxx" amount of debt when we get married. Then I just want to fall over and die.

On another note, there's a $200 comforter set I want from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Geezzz I want it so badly. Can I budget it?? It's a really good deal. Especially with a coupon.

do you ever feel really overwhelmed with money? do you have any advice????

Couples Survey

Ok I know I should do a real blog. But I have been exhausted and just cleaned out my "corner" of the basement. I will post and blog about that later. But for now, here's this. (I'm doing it without Josh because he would think this is totally dumb)

What are your middle names?
Steven and Pilar

How long have you been together?
2 yrs May 25!

How old are each of you?
Both 24. I'm 2 weeks older.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
None. Our first date was the first night we met and we've been together since. Well, I take that back. We talked on the phone for about a month or so before our first date.

Who asked who out?
Josh asked Jess out. Kinda.

How long did it take to get serious?
It took me longer to get more serious than Josh. Josh was ready for a bigger commitment than I was. But after moving back home and leaving Josh, I was ready.

Are you from the same home town?
No

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Probably Joshs since we never know when my brother is going to grace us with his presence. But I consider Holly and India sisters so we see them a lot on the weekends too.

Do you have any children together?
Big negative.

What about pets?
Josie Bella, our Chorkie!

Did you go to the same school?
Nope

Who is the most sensitive?
Me of course. Josh won't admit it, but I've seen that sensitive side before. Such a turn-on (dead serious).

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Firehouse, Outback, Bojangles. Our new obession is PF Changs and Jason's Deli. Lately we've been at Gators, but against our will.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Jacksonville, FL

Who has the worst temper?
Josh. Lord help us. When he gets caught up in something and stressed it takes it to the way extreme, which turns in to pouty moods.

Who does the cooking?
We both do.

Who is more social?
Used to be me but we're pretty even now. Josh has came out more.

Who is the neat freak?
Josh

Who is the most stubborn?
we are both extremely stubborn.

Who hogs the bed?
Josh. and Josie. There's no hope with both of them in the bed together.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. Those 5:30 AM wake up calls during the week stick with me on the weekends most of the time.

Where was your first date?
T-Bonz on the River in Gastonia. Then Sammy's Pub till 2 AM. Then back to the parking lot for convo til 3 AM.

Who has the bigger family?
Josh has a bigger immediate family, I have a larger extended family.

How do you spend the holidays?
traveling and I hate it. We have 2 Thanksgivings, and 3 Christmases.

Do you get flowers often?
No but when he does give flowers he gives big time (i.e. my BEAUTIFUL orchids for Valentine's Day delivered to school)

Who eats more?
Josh

Who sings better?
I sing all the time, don't know if Josh cares for it. But I know Josh has a voice inside of him that he is just WAITING to let out.

Who does the laundry?
We do our own since we live in seperate places. But Josh does better at keeping up wih his.

Who’s better with the computer?
Josh

Who drives when you are together?
Depends. If we're in SPTBG, I drive. If we're in Gastonia, Josh drives.

Who picks where you go to dinner?
It's a collective decision. We decide together...it's an hour process sometimes.

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Probably me just to end the fight and be done with it. And just to drop whatever the problem is.

Who eats more sweets?
Me...definitely. That has not been a big quality Josh admires in me.

Who cries more?
Me

1. Where is your cell phone? jacket
2. Your significant other? Joshie
3. Your hair? dry
4. Your mother? crazy
5. Your father? douche
6. Your favorite thing? reading
7. Your dream last night? nothing
8. Your favorite drink? diet coke
9. Your dream/goal? live
10. What room you are in? classroom
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? moved
14. Where were you last night? Candice's
15. Muffins? love
17. Wish list item? ring
18. Where you grew up? SC
19. Last thing you did? teach
20. What are you wearing? skirt
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? hyper
23. Friends? different
24. Your life? good
25. Your mood? tired
26. Missing someone? yes
27. Car? Honda
28. Something you're not wearing? glasses
29. Your favorite store? Gap Outlet (there's a difference)
30. Your favorite color? black
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? Tuesday
35. Who will resend this? none
36. One place that I go to over and over? bed :)
37. One person who emails me regularly? Facebook
38. My favorite place to eat? Pizza Inn
39. Why you participated in this survey? bored
40. What are you doing tonight? planning